children lying to their parents
All parents have a problem with their children lying to them at some stage or another. This is not unusual, particularly where toddlers are concerned.
Every one of us, even you, tells lies at some time or another. It may well be a “white lie” designed to prevent pain to another person, but it is a lie none-the-less. Why should a child be any different?
The greatest problem with children lying, particularly toddlers, is that he or she has no idea that they are telling a lie. Story telling is natural to young children with their wonderful and vivid imaginations. So when he gets caught out in a wrong doing, his imagination figures out what should have happened, or what he or she would have liked to have had happen. Since that story is infinitely more preferable to the one that is about to happen (getting into trouble) he will latch on to it and even believe it.
It is therefore up to you as a parent, based on age, to work out whether your child is telling a bald-faced lie, or whether his story is just wishful thinking on his part. Please remember, that even a five or six year old is quite capable of confusing the issue between story-telling and actual lies, even though you might think otherwise.
Don’t blow your top, remain calm. Think the problem through.
Do be aware that when a child lies consistently, it does not necessarily mean he or she is a compulsive liar. You are probably being provided with a window to to a specific problem. He may be struggling at school, or perhaps has a problem at home with a parent or sibling, he may be lonely, he may be trying and failing to win the approval of his teachers and/or family. There are many reasons. The child is hurting, and needs to feel good about himself, so he lies in an effort to avoid further hurt.
Where a teenager is concerned, lying does not always mean that they are misbehaving in any way. It is quite possible, that they are simply protecting their privacy and/or avoiding an embarrassment.
Obviously, you cannot ignore the fact that your children are lying and nor should you. However, you must never tell him outright that he is a liar. You should also never confront him publicly.
When you catch your child not telling the truth, explain to him that you don’t think that what he is saying actually happened in the way he has told it because it doesn’t quite make sense to you. Tell him that you would like to understand and would he go through the facts again. The moment an untruth appears, get him to re-explain and at the same time reassure him that you still love him and if his story changes somewhat and he is at fault, you will not stop loving him. Try gently to find out what caused him to lie in the first place and look beyond the fact that he just didn’t want to get into trouble.
When a child tells the truth, especially when they have done something wrong, reward him by acknowledging that you really appreciate the fact that he told the truth. Give him a “reduced sentence”. Remind him that normally the punishment for the incorrect behavior would be “X”, but because he never tried to lie you will reduce his punishment to “Z”
Try to avoid giving your child the opportunity to lie to you. Rather than say “did you break the vase?”, if you know he did it, then simply comment that you see he has broken the vase and must now deal with the consequence of that action.
In the event that your child will not tell the truth about something, then it may perhaps be wiser to leave the subject alone for a while and give him time to think the problem through.
Above all, never harp back on lies your child has told you in the past, rather focus and praise him when he tells the truth. Remember teens or children lying to their parents could well be a symptom of something else altogether.
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Many thanks for your kindness and courtesy
Sandy
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Please I uregently need assistants with my teenager aged 18. She is a manic biopolar sufferer due to a rape and the loss of her father. I appreciate your website. She is on medication but aggressive and a lot that I have spend time reading on your website is also part of the problem. She has verbally and physically abused me before and is a master at lying to me. it is as if I am the child and she is the parent.
Please help I have often stood in prayer and have wondered where have I failed in my discipline with Angelica.
Hi Louise,
Please stop thinking that you have failed your daughter. She may have additional problems that you are not yet aware of. It is quite possible that she has more than one neurobehavioral disorder. Even unknown physical problems such as diabetes or cardiac problems could be involved.
Whilst a behavior problem can be caused by the type of stress you have described, – brain chemical imbalances, physical damage to the brain from a possible head injury and even genetics are all possible contributing factors.
Taking into account the loss of her father and the experience of being raped, it is possible that in addition to Bipolar, she may well be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress disorder which is one .of the anxiety disorders. Her actions seem to bear this out.
Within the next 24 hours, I will be making an ebook, which discusses various of the more common problems, freely available for download from this site. You can read a little more about it at http://www.behavioralproblemsinchildren.com – but please don’t buy it there, since you can have it as a gift.
Meanwhile, I would recommend that you consider paying your daughter’s doctor a visit with a view to testing for additional neurobehavioral problems after having first ruled out any physical causes.
Sandy