Family behavior and consequences seems to be a subject that few people really consider. The behavior of each person in a household has a consequence on every other member in the home.
The other day, around the dinner table, my daughter suddenly reminded me of a “lecture” that I used to give to all and sundry, by whom I mean my kids and their various friends.
She suggested that it might be a good idea to include that subject as an article. The subject was “consequences” as related to family behavior.
In all honesty, at that moment, I was stumped. It is one thing to discuss the result of an action or non-action with a young person who has done something particular that he or she should not have done, (or conversely, had not done something that he or she should have done), it is an entirely different matter to start sounding off about a simple word.
After all, what does it actually mean?
Well, according to my trusty old Readers Digest dictionary, the meaning is:
1 – That which rationally or naturally follows from an action or condition; an effect; a result. 2 – A logical result or inference.
At this stage of their lives, my kids can probably wax lyrical about the subject of family behavior and consequences far better than I can.
I can’t remember quite how young they were when I first started discussing the consequences of their actions with them, I do remember that they were still in a single digit age group.
Obviously, I had to keep examples very simple at first, but as they grew older, so I was able to “grow” my lecture according to their specific age.
The sad thing is, that many parents also forget about the consequences of what they do or don’t do. Every action, (verbal or physical) causes a reaction. In fact, even a non-action (verbal or physical) causes an action.
I believe it is very important, for every person, young or old, to seriously consider what the result of their “action” is going to be. Sure, I may be mad at my husband or one of my kids, my parents might irritate the heck out of me, or perhaps, I might think that my best friend is sticking her nose where it is not wanted.
STOP! THINK! Don’t say a word – consider carefully, what has made you cross or irritated. Consider carefully what you want to say or do in response. Consider carefully what the result of your words or actions might be.
I say “might be”, because invariably there is more than one possible result. Life is a lot like a chess game. Think ahead! If you do “A” then the resulting “consequence” could be X, Y or Z. If the consequence turns out to be Y then your reaction might have to be M, N or R.
If you can’t think beyond the NOW, then keep quiet – zip that lip – do not pick up that ashtray and throw it at your husband’s (or wife’s) head. Don’t grab for the belt and whack your child’s behind.
Call for time-out. Go and sit quietly somewhere else. Think carefully about what was done or said, or not done, or not said. Consider WHY! Remember anything and everything that you might have done that could have led up to the problem moment. Remember your childhood. Remember yourself as a teenager. Try to remember anything or everything in your past that may be relevant to NOW!
No, it is not easy – believe me, I know! I have been there many times. I learned (with great difficulty) to tell my family that my mood, at a particular time, was definitely not right for a logical or calm discussion and that in fact I was so angry I would be likely to say or do something that may have appalling consequences.
Most of the time, if that occurred, my various family members would considerately back-off until I was ready to debate the subject with them. Of course, it won’t always work!
Much to my dismay, I recall an occasion when my son got me so mad that I totally lost it and pitched a glass of wine at him. His reflexes were excellent and my aim was lousy. Actually, in the end, he was so utterly astonished (and appalled) at my reaction (consequence) to his behavior that he immediately came rushing over to me and sat me down, trying to comfort me, because I was sobbing with shock at the fact that I had lost control.
We are all imperfect human beings. Discuss the subject of “family behavior and consequences” with your family. Remind them that whether it is relevant to business, school, family, or friends it is important to consider consequences and in fact, it is invariably a good idea to discuss or debate a problem and possible consequences with several people in order to get a logical and well rounded answer to the problem.
I even used to debate punishment with my kids. Their action – my reaction – it used to frustrate them enormously having to choose their own punishment, which had to be directly related to whatever they had done wrong. My eldest son, would invariably beg for “six of the best” rather than undergo a lengthy punishment that he had chosen for himself.
Have you ever considered the overall family behavior and consequences of that behavior? Perhaps now it is time that you and you family does so.
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Many thanks for your kindness and courtesy
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